I like to write stories. Sometimes it’s cathartic. Sometimes it’s just fun to be rejected by McSweeneys.
Whatever the reason, here’s a collection of some pieces I’ve written.
Are you Jewish enough to leave work early on Rosh Hashanah?
1. What do you call your grandmother?
A. Nana
B. Bubby
C. Bubbie
D. Bubbe
2. Who makes the best matzo ball soup?
A. Carnegie Deli (RIP)
B. Katz’s Deli
C. Lou, the guy who worked in the dining hall at my childhood sleepaway camp.
D. Lol kidding. My mom, obviously.
3. Were you Bar/Bat Mitzvahed?
A. Yes.
B. No, but I went to like, at least a dozen in 7th grade.
C. Also I’m going on birthright in January and I heard you can just do it there.
D. Oh and I fast on Yom Kippur so...
4. Does your family want you to marry Jewish?
A. Yes, of course.
B. Funny you ask, my Bubby is currently trying to set me up with her friend Sheryl’s grandson, Jacob.
C. Oh g-d, Jacob just messaged me on Facebook. Let’s check out his pictures...
D. ...Jacob has a unibrow.
5. Which Jewish celebrity do you most identify with?
A. Andy Samberg
B. Natalie Portman
C. Drake
D. Adam Sandler
SCORING
If you answered A B C or D to questions 1-6:
YES - YOU ARE JEWISH ENOUGH TO LEAVE WORK EARLY ON ROSH HASHANAH, YOU MENSCH, YOU!
Catch that early LIRR train out of Penn Station to your parent’s house on Long Island and help yourself to an extra serving of brisket. So what if you haven’t been to synagogue since your Bat Mitzvah? Wear that hamsa loud and proud, baby! Get ready to break out the apples and honey for a sweet, sweet night of dodging questions about your love life and wondering if maybe you should have just stayed at work instea—Wait, you got some schmutz on your face. Oy, I think it’s kugel. Hold on, I have a Wet-Nap in my purse.